Wednesday
Apr112012

My Theme Song !


I have 2 theme songs and I have wore out tapes and CDs of both of them and keep having to buy new ones!


Won't Back Down by Tom Petty
Songwriters: Jeff Lynn and Tom Petty

Well I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of Hell
But I won't back down

No I'll stand my ground
Won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from dragging me down
Gonna stand my ground
And I won't back down

Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
Hey yeah, I'll stand my ground
And I won't back down

Well I know what's right
I got just one life
In a world that keeps on pushin me around
but I'll stand my ground
And I won't back down

Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
Hey yeah, I'll stand my ground
And I won't back down

Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
Hey yeah, I'll stand my ground
And I won't back down

No I won't back down


This is my theme song for about everything in life!


This next song  plays more to when people tell me something CAN’T BE DONE. I believe that you can do about anything if you can just set your mind to it!  Some things are harder than others…but you try and try again till you get there!


My other theme song is by Paul Brandt and it is called I’m Gonna Fly
"I'm Gonna Fly"
7 years old in my radio flyer
red cape tied around my neck
top of Thompson’s hill, Billy said I was a liar
and now I’m scared half to death
Becky said Billy was dumb I shouldn’t listen to him
but I had something to prove
ain’t nobody gonna call me a chicken
gotta do what you gotta do

I’m gonna fly
Defying space and gravity
I’m gonna fly
Billy just you wait and see

I was just a kid, barely 18 years
And I couldn’t wait to graduate
Confident and cocky, and man, it really got me
When I heard my daddy say
“you oughta get some knowledge, you gotta go to college,
gotta make something of your life.”
But I had to do it my way, so I headed for the highway
And I followed those little white lines

I’m gonna fly
Defying space and gravity
I’m gonna fly
Making my own destiny

I crashed and burned, but I don’t regret it
You only fail when you don’t try
Gonna brush off the ashes and just forget it
I’m ain’t perfect yet but you can bet someday

I’m gonna get my wings and fly

I’m gonna fly
Defying space and gravity
I’m gonna fly
You gotta believe
I’m gonna fly
Making my own destiny
I’m gonna fly
You gotta believe


I have thought of this song often when watching dogs learn new things as well.  A pup when they are small is often a little scared of new things…but as you teach they learn to push through their fear of the new!  You don’t know how many times when I have had a pup as they are learning to handle different surfaces they freeze up and stand all stiff legged afraid to go forward!  I will try to coax them with my voice or a treat or a toy, but every once in while nothing seems to work at that moment.  So I just laugh and call them a BIG CHICKEN, pick them to try again later!  They eventually get it!  Then as the pups age they hit the dreaded teenage years!  The time where they think they know more than they do and they often get cocky and self assured until a bigger dog says “SON DON DO THAT!”  Very often they don’t do that no more when the big dog is around!  Then comes adult maturity the time where they are confident in their abilities and in who they are.  They are so much fun to work with and to be with! In a sense, they learn to fly!   Each dog I have had, has taught me new things about flying and that sense of maturity!

Both of the above songs also speak to my battle with diabetes.  Some days it wins, but I can guarantee I will always fight it! 

What are your songs that drive you?  The songs that move you!  What music gets you up and makes you want to go forward?

Tuesday
Apr102012

Dear 16 year old me!


Dear 16 year old me!

How are you doing?  Wait don’t answer that…I know exactly how you are because I am you!  I am older, greyer, and a lot smarter now!  I think!   All I know is that I have never once wanted to return to the age you are now.  If I did, I want to know what I know now!

Right now it is 1981 and you just got your drivers license.  A top of the line computer was just announced by IBM at a press conference in New York. This is the computer that as manufactured by IBM and in clone form becomes the de facto standard for business use for the remainder of the decade and beyond. The base model retails for $2880 and includes 64 kilobytes of RAM and a single-sided 160K 5.25" floppy drive.  You only have seen a handful of computers at school! By the time you reach 46 computers are EVERYTHING! Ronald Reagan is President and he is a good one, but you don’t pay much attention to politics.  You should because things are going to get pretty hairy on the political scene.  You are very aware that gas rose above $1 a gallon for the first time…wait till you see the prices now…they are approaching $4 a gallon!  Then there is health stuff!  All the health issues you are currently dealing with are something called autoimmune issues.  Our immune system is whacked up and it is going to get more so! Our body just decides to attack itself for no reason!  Just roll with it.  The more you fight it the angrier it makes you.  This is not something that you can control…you just manage it! 

You are going to have to learn to take care of the body!  If I could go back and change ONE THING that you are currently doing that you should stop now it would be to STOP SMOKING!  That will help all the health stuff more than anything else!   You are a driven cuss and will even be more so in the future!  Learn to use it instead of fighting it. 

Open yourself to exploring the world.  Think outside the box and don’t ever be afraid to try!  It is going to take awhile for you to wrap your head around that…but when you do you will find that life smooths out and becomes peaceable! 

Enjoy the small things and learn to listen to your heart!  Life is way to short to waste any time!

See you in the future, I think you will like who we are!

Monday
Apr092012

Keep Calm



As a insulin dependent diabetic I hear all the time…”I could never do all the shots…I can’t stand needles!” I always reply, “First off I seldom have to do shots since I am on a pump but you should see the size of the needle that inserts the canula!  Second off…you could if your LIFE depended on it!” 


Sunday
Apr082012

The Best Conversation I had this week...


Best conversation I had this week was with a good friend who was asking questions about diabetes!  I want to share with you some of the information that I shared with her!

DISCLAIMER!     I AM NOT A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL!!!! 

It never fails to amaze me that people who deal with this stuff day in an day out fail to get the proper education of how to deal with the type 1 diabetes and for that matter any kind of diabetes. However I have to live every day with this disease and I want to know as much as possible about it!  I am not a patient enough person to have to wait 48 hours to hear back on what rate changes I should make…but I do want to be SAFE.

At first I read everything I could get my hands on!  Then I talked with as many people that I could find about their experience.  Then I found an awesome diabetic educator who also lives with this disease! I took in as much information as my little pee brain could hold!  I wrote down pertinent stuff in a notebook and I LOGGED EVERYTHING I could that might have an effect on my BG’s!  Then I started thinking on it…tweaking small changes here and there…looking at cause and effect.  I am not some brilliant individual….I am just driven to figure things out!  If I can do it SO CAN YOU!

Here are the some of the more key points that I shared with my friend.

1.     HOW LONG IS YOUR INSULIN ON BOARD?  To me this is the first question that has to be answered.  It varies from person to person and sometimes even varies at times of the day but you need to know HOW LONG YOUR INSULIN IS ON BOARD!  When we start pump therapy the doctor gives us a number that is programmed into our pumps as to the amount of time our insulin is on board or the insulin action time.  I remember thinking when I heard the number “how can you be sure?”.  Medicines do funny things in my body…they don’t always work the way they are suppose to.   Given that I was immediately going “ummmmm how do we know?”  They then told me you TEST to figure out how long your insulin is on board. You can eat a safe balanced food that you know exact carbs of and you bolus for it then you test every half hour until you no longer see a 30 point drop in an hours time.  My IOB or Insulin Action time is 2.5 hours with the insulin I am currently on!  Once I learned that everything sort of fell into place for me.  I set my basal patterns up in 2.5 hour increments and began to tweak it down!  I learned that if I had a low or high (UNRELATED TO BOLUSING OR STACKING INSULIN) at a particular time to count back 2.5 hours and make adjustments there because that was where the problem was.
2.     MAKE SURE YOU ARE BALANCING CARBS TO PROTIEN!   The way I understand it is that protein elongates the action of the carb so we don’t get such nasty spikes.  Protein is the thing that softens the blows of the carb! So I need to make sure that I eat 1 protein for every 2 carbs. I actually tend to be closer to one to one. 
3.     LOG EVERYTHING!  If you eat it, do it, dog alerts, times, etc WRITE IT DOWN!  You can see trends and patterns that you might otherwise miss!
4.     FOCUS ON THAT MOMENTS NUMBERS ONLY.  When you stay focused and intent on where your numbers are at RIGHT NOW it makes dealing with it that much easier.  Yes you need to be aware of all of them but all you can attempt to fix is that which is occurring RIGHT NOW!
5.     Diabetes is a disease where EFFORT DOES NOT ALWAYS EQUAL OUTCOME!   Give yourself a break and just do your best!  That is all any of us can truly do!
6.      TALK!  Talk to as many people as you can.  Our experiences vary so much that sharing experiences is critical!
7.     READ AS MANY BOOKS AS YOU CAN.  My 2 favorites are THINK LIKE A PANCREAS and PUMPING INSULIN!

Hopefully listening in to my conversation will help you or someone you know just a little! 

Saturday
Apr072012

My Choice: The Emotional Side of Diabetes FOR TINA!


Yesterday I sort of touched on this a bit, but a friend and mother to a T1 ask my to write about this from my perspective.  What it is like?  What I experience? How does it make me feel?

When I am low, I have stages of emotion that I go through, that I can remember SOMETIMES!  You need to know that most of the time when this happening I have ZERO AWERENESS to it.  As I drop low, I notice that my patience level drops.  Little things just irritate the crap out of me!  I am terse and edgy in ways that I normally would not be.  As I keep dropping I seem to enter my own little world.  From my vantage point things seem to move slower and almost freeze in time. Sometimes I get lost in what I am doing.  I get lost in my 6ft by 8 ft bathroom and cannot get out so I do something like clean. I will wash the mirror 5 times or I work extremely hard to get that darn black speck out of the tile grout.  I am very focused on ONE THING but it is usually the wrong thing!  It is during this time that I KNOW that I should listen to my dogs but for some reason I have NO CLUE what they want or what they are trying to tell me!  I honestly am not trying to be difficult but honestly I usually am.  It is also during this stage that I ABSOLUTLY DETEST BEING YELLED AT OR TOLD WHAT TO DO!   I HATE IT!  I am normally fairly compliant as long as you I have reason to be…but during this stage it just PISSES ME OFF when someone TELLS me what to do.  “YOU NEED TO CHECK YOUR SUGAR!”  “YOU NEED TO EAT”  “EAT!”  “TREAT” ARGHHHHHHHHHHH   Inside I just want to explode at someone or something!  My dogs alerts as this is happening get very direct and to the point…. Bravo is very polite but persistent…Radar well he is like “Screw it…you want to fight…OK  I will fight you and I am going to NIP you till you fix it!”  Next I hit the absolute quiet zone.  I cant talk and from what I have been told I am very pale and my eyes are gone but my body demeanor is “IF YOU COME ANY CLOSER…I AM GONNA KICK YOUR BUTT!”  My friend Kim who is a CDE and I went on a trip early after diagnosis.  During this early time my pancreas would sometimes just MASS PRODUCE INSULIN and you could give me a glucagon shot and I still wouldn’t get above 60!  It was a very nasty time of my life as far as the diabetes goes.  We were in a hotel room when I took a hard sudden drop.  Kim knew what was happening and was being very direct with me. CHECK!  EAT!  DO THIS!  DO THAT!  Honestly I remember only feeling ticked off!  I don’t remember anything else.  I got so obstinate with her that she was throwing food at me from across the room and I would either feed it to Bravo or would put it under her pillow!  Eventually the carbs kicked in and my brain came back.  Fortunately for me Kim loves me and has a really good sense of humor and out about diabetes!  For me when I am low what works best is to set my meter and my treatment in front of me and just BE QUIET!  Inside of me here is what happens I can see it and I KNOW what I need to do but the problem is NOISE CONFUSES ME!  So if you simply say “YOU SEEM LOW, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?”  I will respond and fix it.  Yes it is perhaps slower than you might want but it will get fixed! Or you can just let Radar fight it out with me!

Highs….for me are different.  I am still irritable and edgy but I am not confused or lost.  I am foggy!  My brain is mushy but it is very different than a low.  With a high I just want to LAY DOWN AND SLEEP!  My overall outlook about life and the world is very dim when I am high.  My perspective is very pessimistic!  The glass is half full...no it is a quarter full.ah crap “WHO DRANK ALL THE WATER!!!!!! GRRRR  Why would you do that to me! “ It is like a half awake and cannot get the fog out of my head.  “OK I think I will take me and my bad attitude and just go to bed!” Thinking and memory are far harder!  How bout I just sit here and stare off into space?  Ohhhh and dear Lord please make sure a bathroom is close when I am high.  Anytime my blood glucose is above 180 my bladder size starts shrinking.  At 300 it is the size of a walnut and you might as well hook me up to a garden hose!

So how does this all make me feel about myself????  Well I try to stay proactive!  I try to do my best to not let it win.  But I have to be honest…..it gets really old sometimes!   I try to laugh and find the humor in the stupid things that I do when I am low. But you want the truth???  Sometimes I fell absolutely STUPID and IGNORANT! I was NOT RAISED to do STUPID THINGS! I HATE THAT I DO THOSE THINGS!   I laugh and I make fun of it later but honestly that feeling of being stupid, being lessor, not being able to do something that normally is very easy MAKES ME MAD!  MAKES ME WANT TO CRY! MAKES ME WANT TO THROW A TEMPER TANTRUM!  But then something else starts happening…..I start challenging the disease.  I dig for new ways to get ahead of what ever is happening.  I document. I log. I write.   I FIGHT BACK!  Someday this disease MAY WIN..but it is NOT HAPPENING TODAY!  I will not allow my PANCREAS TO RUIN MY LIFE!  I will not let it take my joy!  I will not let it take my hope!

This is only my experience.  I do not speak for all diabetics. This is what happens in my head.  I have to find my FIGHT drive!  But then sometimes I just have to practice FINDING CENTER!  This disease is going to be here forever. I don’t have a choice because at this time there is no cure.  So since I have the lemon….I will try to make lemonade!  You bring the ice!

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